Creating Rain: Mommy’s point of view

My reading list has grown and grown. Just when I creep upon the edges of an ending I add 3 or more literary adventures to the wilderness of my home library. Right now I am currently reading 4 books. I just started Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford. Day one has already lit a fire of intensity in my soul. My soul is hungry for a redefined relationship with my children. One that prioritizes and builds a foundation of courage and worth. One that says you are more important than the schedule, more important than the things, and loving you is at the top of my To Do List! If I’m honest, I’ve uttered the words “not right now” to my both my boys so many times this past week that recently my oldest started to walk away before I even finished the brokem record statement. Our littles don’t always understand the WHY. So when they see us surrounded by the lists and electronics and aren’t even greeted with eye contact as we brush them off; they likely hear an “I don’t want to” rather than the “not right now” we so hastily uttered.

I picked up the book while my husband took the boys to karate and not even 10 pages in I declared an overthrow! Gone with the mom who sits on her thrown of important tasks brushing off her children as though they were peasants to be seen and not heard! Gone with the mom who’s attention is so invested in the temporary materials that she misses the temporary irreplaceable moments of uniqueness and expression in her children! Gone with the mom who’s children find themselves at the bottom of the TO DO LIST! OFF WITH HER HEAD! Okay sorry I got carried away. Maybe not off with her head; but, surely off her point of view. I’m so excited for my kids to experience a mom who is on her way to a hands free revolution. I plan to blog throughout this journey but only in the free moments. Because no list, text, post, email, or even blog will rob my boys of the moments that were meant to be theirs!

Today it rained. The boys got home as soon as it stopped. I set the book aside as I heard the truck pull into the driveway. I opened the patio blinds and saw a small puddle had formed. I knew I needed a 1 step To Do List!

To Do: MAKE A BIGGER PUDDLE

I grabbed the hose and declared war on the unintentional bystander I had become this week. We played, we laughed hard, we splashed, and we looked into each others eyes. Surprise; nothing bad happened from me pushing off the To Dos for an hour of intention with my little loves. Here is a photo collage of some pictures I took. I realize a camera is an electronic and doesn’t make me “hands free; but I needed to document this day. Day 1! I needed these images printed and posted all over as a reminder of, as the book says, “what I could have missed.” Traecee, my oldest loves our collage. His favorite picture is the fireman boots splash photo.

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Beautiful You ~ Beautiful Me

More and more lately people have been saying that my son Traecee  looks just like me. A spitting  image of his father, but a reflection of me as well. I’m not always the most confident of people; but I’ve started to wonder what that really means for my Traecee. When those words, “you look just like your momma”, fall on his ears what will that mean to him as his understanding grows? Will he think to himself, “well mommy doesn’t think much of her appearance so what does that say about me?” Or, will he be assured in the fact that I’ve excepted the truth that I, like us all, was made in the image of God and my purpose along with my image is beautiful!

Beautiful you beautiful me

Beautiful you beautiful me

I won’t pretend that physical appearance isn’t important, because it clearly is in our society. But I’ll tell you one thing, the way you feel about yourself will have a big impact on how the world treats you. One of my good friends shared this quote with me the other day: ” wherever you go, there you are”. You are the one person who has to spend the most time with you. I notice a greater aspect of mental positivity when Me, Myself, and I are all getting along. The beautiful thing about not liking who you are is that you’re the one who can change it. I recently got my braces off after two years. I am much more confident now because my smile is so important to me. I’m much happier now and I’m thankful for that; but sometimes I wonder if I wasted 2 years hiding my smile. There are probably only a dozen pics of me in the past two years showing teeth. I wonder what if I had focused more on the opportunity to laugh than the outward appearance of my smile? What if I let the beauty of the moment outweigh my negative opinions of my smile.  I can tell you that there would be many more memories to share.

When it was just about me I was much more stubborn with changing. Now, after praying to God to help me see myself through His eyes, and realizing that my acceptance of myself  is about more than just me; I decided to accept to truth about my image. First what I was made to do is far more important than what I was made to look like. Second, my acceptance of myself is much more necessary than the world’s acceptance of me. When I accept myself I am saying to God “I appreciate your works and believe that you are purposeful and make no mistakes.” Third, as a mother my Christ – Confidence allows my child to say “I understand I was made in His image and I will always be beautiful to Him and that’s enough.” It’s more than enough. Traecee you are more than enough! You are beautiful and so am I. Not because of who or what we look like, but because of whose we are. We are His; you and I. Beautiful YOU; beautiful ME.

With Grace&Love,

LaVonda

 

Dear Traecee,

When I think of you I think to myself “what a wonderful world”

-Mommy

Dear Traecee pg 2 “Explain yourselves”

Dear Traecee,

9f362032c0ede4750b1b62968a6e13cdI’m going to jump the gun here and bring up the topic before you bring it to us. You won’t notice it for a while then one day someone is bound to ask… “Traecee??, isn’t that a girl’s name?”, “Did your parent want a girl??” These are the type of questions that you can either tune out OR you can tell your story… Let mommy make this clear to you; we wanted you! We love you and everything about you and being our first born son makes you special. You’ll always be our first love. Any siblings that come after you will be special too because that means that we had so much love to give that we decided to continue on in the growth of our family.

SO, back to the question..  You may not even be bothered by your first name; you may even go by Traec or Trae like your uncle Trey. But, like your father, you may guard the truth of your middle name with your life. You must be wondering, were there any other choices?!! Yes there were a few other choices. If we had a boy we first considered Traecee Makai (pronounce Ma-Kii); truth is daddy came up with that one and well I wasn’t into it as much as he was 😉 Then for a long while you were to be named Traecee Liam. I said this name aloud at least a dozen times a day. It didn’t fill my heart the way it should when you call out your unborn child’s name. So I started thinking. I thought about all the people who have names that mean something; names that represent a story or a legend or a tradition. Your father and I liked the idea of starting a tradition of unisex names for all of our sons. I’ve always loved your father’s name and besides he’s kind of a “pretty boy” so the name fits him well. I started to think about your story; our story. About how I found out we would be expecting you just a week after an infertility scare. God knows that I stress so he never leaves me in worry for longer than I can bare. We were so happy that I took 4 different test just so I could see the double lines keep appearing. The test in the doctor’s office was the fifth and it was Confirmed. Traecee you were a miracle in a place where we didn’t see what God had planned for us but we never disobeyed him and never tried to create our own plan. I started to search unisex names and when I came across your middle name it all made sense. Mt. Moriah is, at times, a misunderstood journey. Unbelievers may not understand how our God could ask such a thing of Abraham and more so how could Abraham obey God’s orders to sacrifice his own son!? If you keep reading you get to the miracle, because Abraham had begun to do as God had asked without questioning, God provided an answer to his prayers and spared his son.

When I was checked for infertility and asked to have your father seek testing I felt as if God was sacrificing our dreams. I felt as if God had asked us to bare the unthinkable. I know there are many people in the world who cannot give “birth” naturally to children, many of them are still rightfully and truely parents today because our God provides for us. For me, into my late teens I’d known that I would find so much of my identity in being a mother and I knew pregnancy would bring maturity, and I wanted that experience in it’s entirety. I was losing faith and gaining worry and your father reminded me that we must obey God and trust his plan for us. The news of your birth put us in a place where God provided a miracle for us. His grace and mercy extends so far if we reached our hands up to him with faith and open hearts.Your birth reminded us that God can move Moutains (Mount). You were named after Mt. Moriah because its such a beautiful names and it allows us to forever remember your story. I hope you understand and I know that we will raise you to appreciate all that you are; because we surely do. We love you Traecee Moriah!

Always Loving You,

Mommy

Dear Traecee pg 1 “In & Out”

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Dear Traecee,

Last night you cried as your dad ran out to the car to get something for me that I forgot to grab on the way in the house. It was past your bedtime and daddy always puts you to sleep. You are too young to understand that he was coming right back in to give you your milk, say your prayers, and tuck you in. When he walked back in seconds later you were so happy to have him there you’d seem to forget that he even walked outside in the first place. There is something so powerful about doors. They let people and things in, keep people and things out, and even revolve. They can be painted, changed, decorated with wreaths, unhinged; they have flaws but they’re still so powerful. For some reason I love those old double swinging saloon doors that you see in old western films (I hope even in your generation that you know what a saloon is, and what a western film is). You know the ones that make the same ‘clickclick clickclick’ sound when a visitor enters or departs from the saloon. I love that sound ‘clickclick clickclick’. My favorite part about these doors is the equality they give to the hand pushing its way through them. In old western films it wasn’t the sound of the door that let you know the star or bandit had entered the saloon. Directors would have to add emphasis to the sound of the actor’s boots, the chains hanging from their waist, or the reaction of the on lookers lingering through the saloon to create dramatic effects of someone ‘important’ coming in; because no matter who entered, those doors seem to make the exact same sound. I just love that. I love that revolving acceptance of equality to all its visitors; equality to everyone that passes through the hinged doorways. Imagine a heart like that! Imagine a love like that!

Son let your heart be like that! The me that I am now would have a lot of wisdom and maturity to give to the me that I use to be. Full of love and full of attitude: had I been a door of any kind I would have slammed in the face of those who dared to walk out of my life in a moment of disrespect, inconsideration, or coward actions and then try to come back in moments of sunshine to claim their status as someone who has been here all along. Son I’ve experienced the moments when everything is going right then BAM!… I found myself in need of support and everyone around seemed to whistle and stare at the sky as if they didn’t hear my cries for help. Oh how hard it is to imitate the saloon doors. To let those who have come into your life and left broken glass and disruption in a dry place just reenter without any toll. As humans we often feel owed. We want to make those who hurt us pay for what they did and earn back the love and trust we have(had) for them. Son, don’t make them pay. Don’t make God’s payment go in vain. He’s already paid the ultimate price for our sins already committed and those yet to come. Choose Grace. Be willing and ready to give second, third, and forth chances sometimes because people will fail you. They will let you down. You will someday be hurt and we can’t protect you from that. We will do our best to raise you to see the Christ in every experience, every life moment that tries to shake your stance. We will raise you to be “Anchored in Christ”.

You’ll realize one day that the more you hurt the more you’ve lived. Mommy will tell you about all the scars on her knees and elbows and ankles and eyebrow one day. I won’t make them a story about the time I experienced pain. They will be stories about the time I LIVED. Those scars represent a joyful child playing with her siblings, a fearless girl out doing the older kids with bike tricks, a curious child exploring the world.  I remember the stories and memories more than I do the pain; and son someday you will too. You’ll remember the lesson, the story, the memory, and it’ll matter so much more than the pain. It’s okay to hurt. Pain plays a purposeful role in our hearts and if we don’t allow it to take its course were missing out on a chance to live, a chance to experience what God has for us, a chance to create our story. Traecee don’t miss those opportunities to live. When your heart feels broken smile because you dared to love; when you feel alone rejoice knowing that you feel alone because you once knew how it felt to feel surrounded and feel love. Rejoice knowing that you are never truly alone and you will be found. When you feel used let your heart be mature enough to make the decision to guard but free enough to be used when necessary and not to say to its visitors “you owe me”; but to be thankful that you were chosen as the strong medium for someone who needed you.

Our family has had a mixed salad of joy and tears lately as success, death, growth, and sickness has entered its way in and out of our lives. It’s in times like these when  the call from a friend never came or the understanding of loved ones has not come through; and surprisingly nothing really changed. Our lives continued on as the ones who I wanted were seemingly replaced by the open hearts of the ones I needed. That’s life! You find sometimes disappointment allows you to see that some souls are merely company and other souls are the revolving hearts that roam the universe constantly sending out love and waiting to swing open like a saloon door; but never having a cover charge. I pray for the protection of hearts like these. We need them and I’m opening up more and more to the idea, and I hope you with too.

 

Always Loving you,

Mommy