Many of you followed my last post about my new journey with PCOS. Honestly I’ve been doing pretty good with the situation since then. Thank you to everyone who has surrounded me with such love, understanding, and guidance. Your willingness to pray and reach out with love means more than you’ll ever know. I’m doing good but to be honest I do have my moments.
Yesterday at a birthday party the kids went around playing. Our son Traecee is very into trains, trucks, actions figures, and all things paw patrol right now; but at this party he gravitated towards a toy he’d never really played with in front of me before. Maybe he just didn’t have the chance… Maybe I just never noticed… Maybe it wasn’t even that big of a deal. But, as he pushed that little baby doll stroller all around the party my heart ached a little. I wanted so bad to know if I’d be able to place a sibling in a stroller for him one day and allow him to push him/her around in a fun, caring, protective older brother way. He wouldn’t put it down. Even as he ran over a few toes and we tried to take it from him and get him to play with a smaller toy he wouldn’t budge. He wanted to play with that stroller for the moment. I didn’t want to dwell on it so I simply whispered to my husband about the moment and moved on.
Yes for a second it broke my heart; but I believe our hearts were made to withstand the breaking. Christ is within me and as I break he is the anchor that holds me steady. He holds me and allows me time to reposition my feet to stand firm in his truth. He extends grace to every piece of my heart. He knows every piece of my heart well and his love makes me whole. Today I’m better. I’ll have these moments and they’re expected; but I know I can also expect that where he leads me I will not be forsaken. He has purpose for everything and I will lay at his feet the worries that do not align my heart with trust in him.
So, I don’t have any doctor’s appointments for a few months (which is teaching me how to be patient); in the meantime I’m focusing on getting to know my heavenly father a bit better. He desired each and every one of us as His own. He even sent his son to die so we would each have the opportunity to spend eternity with him. Us. His children. I’m learning to end my prayers with, “I will praise you anyway”. I’m learning to be honest with myself and my Christian brothers and sisters. So to be honest, I’m doing okay and your continued prayer is appreciated.