The lump in my throat increased at such a high rate I thought it was multiplying by every split second. As it tightened, so did my flesh around my chest and I gasped trying to breathe in some sort of understanding. Yesterday I was okay; I’ve known it’d be today for a while now, I’ve been following my calendar keeping with daily task, but still… somehow… it hit me hard. Where was this panic coming from? It hit me in a way that I wasn’t ready for. It shook me because I was standing on a foundation of imaginary fears, the enemy was lying and I was taking the bait. The lump grew bigger as the irrational outcomes began to flash through my brain like images on a light projector. I’ve spoken to my prayer warriors, my husband, a friend, but my prayer was accompanied by a failing recipe of worry. My mind, a strength and weakness, was currently being used as a weapon against me. The ability to process thoughts rapidly and process the possible outcomes began to progress itself in my head so I rose to my feet. The liquid anchors of weakness began to present themselves above my eyelashes so I ran to hide but I couldn’t get away because in the hidden shadows of the bathroom stall I found myself there. “Who do you believe in and in whom is your faith in…at this very moment”. I knew I needed dialogue so again I asked for prayer from someone who knew where I’d be at 2:15.
That’s when it happened. I could hear above the pulsing lump in my throat, my palms were still shaking but only because I was on to something, my eyes leaked with fearful understanding, and the lies began to rewind themselves back onto the film and they playlist of continuum was cancelled. I realized how fictional it had been all along. I’d known that worst case scenario but I hadn’t even begun to ask questions or consider the BEST case scenario. Sometimes memory can be haunting. We remember how it happened last time and how hard the journey was so we fear that history will repeat. God’s lyrics working through the group Unspoken began to ring in my ears as I sat back down at my desk and plugged the ear buds so deep into my ear that any doctor would have been highly disappointed.
“I was lost, lost, hopeless here without you
Every time I tried to doubt you, you proved me wrong
‘Cause your love, love, love already found me
Your eyes are ever on me, I will not be lost” (Lost by Unspoken)
AND THEN ANOTHER
“See I’m running out of things to say.
I come to You, I will run to You.
I’m the only one that’s in my way.
Got nothing left to do but run to You.
And if I fall on my face, I fall on Your grace.
I’ve got no excuse, I just come to You.
I run to You, I run to You…” (Run to you by Unspoken)
After my lyrically session with faith I’m snapped back into a reality absent of irrational “what ifs”. A coworker sent me a Wednesday funny that said, “Knowing its 5 o’clock somewhere means nothing when it’s 10 o’clock at my desk.” Nothing can hurt me here because God has already seen my 2:15pm. He’s handcrafted it; he planned it long before it was marked on my calendar. I’m clearly perfecting my efforts of OVERREACTING. Last time is not this time and today may not even be relevant in a week or so. It’ll all be okay because God’s already seen my 2:15… and it looks exactly how he wants it to look.
With Grace & Love,