Dear Traecee pg 1 “In & Out”

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Dear Traecee,

Last night you cried as your dad ran out to the car to get something for me that I forgot to grab on the way in the house. It was past your bedtime and daddy always puts you to sleep. You are too young to understand that he was coming right back in to give you your milk, say your prayers, and tuck you in. When he walked back in seconds later you were so happy to have him there you’d seem to forget that he even walked outside in the first place. There is something so powerful about doors. They let people and things in, keep people and things out, and even revolve. They can be painted, changed, decorated with wreaths, unhinged; they have flaws but they’re still so powerful. For some reason I love those old double swinging saloon doors that you see in old western films (I hope even in your generation that you know what a saloon is, and what a western film is). You know the ones that make the same ‘clickclick clickclick’ sound when a visitor enters or departs from the saloon. I love that sound ‘clickclick clickclick’. My favorite part about these doors is the equality they give to the hand pushing its way through them. In old western films it wasn’t the sound of the door that let you know the star or bandit had entered the saloon. Directors would have to add emphasis to the sound of the actor’s boots, the chains hanging from their waist, or the reaction of the on lookers lingering through the saloon to create dramatic effects of someone ‘important’ coming in; because no matter who entered, those doors seem to make the exact same sound. I just love that. I love that revolving acceptance of equality to all its visitors; equality to everyone that passes through the hinged doorways. Imagine a heart like that! Imagine a love like that!

Son let your heart be like that! The me that I am now would have a lot of wisdom and maturity to give to the me that I use to be. Full of love and full of attitude: had I been a door of any kind I would have slammed in the face of those who dared to walk out of my life in a moment of disrespect, inconsideration, or coward actions and then try to come back in moments of sunshine to claim their status as someone who has been here all along. Son I’ve experienced the moments when everything is going right then BAM!… I found myself in need of support and everyone around seemed to whistle and stare at the sky as if they didn’t hear my cries for help. Oh how hard it is to imitate the saloon doors. To let those who have come into your life and left broken glass and disruption in a dry place just reenter without any toll. As humans we often feel owed. We want to make those who hurt us pay for what they did and earn back the love and trust we have(had) for them. Son, don’t make them pay. Don’t make God’s payment go in vain. He’s already paid the ultimate price for our sins already committed and those yet to come. Choose Grace. Be willing and ready to give second, third, and forth chances sometimes because people will fail you. They will let you down. You will someday be hurt and we can’t protect you from that. We will do our best to raise you to see the Christ in every experience, every life moment that tries to shake your stance. We will raise you to be “Anchored in Christ”.

You’ll realize one day that the more you hurt the more you’ve lived. Mommy will tell you about all the scars on her knees and elbows and ankles and eyebrow one day. I won’t make them a story about the time I experienced pain. They will be stories about the time I LIVED. Those scars represent a joyful child playing with her siblings, a fearless girl out doing the older kids with bike tricks, a curious child exploring the world.  I remember the stories and memories more than I do the pain; and son someday you will too. You’ll remember the lesson, the story, the memory, and it’ll matter so much more than the pain. It’s okay to hurt. Pain plays a purposeful role in our hearts and if we don’t allow it to take its course were missing out on a chance to live, a chance to experience what God has for us, a chance to create our story. Traecee don’t miss those opportunities to live. When your heart feels broken smile because you dared to love; when you feel alone rejoice knowing that you feel alone because you once knew how it felt to feel surrounded and feel love. Rejoice knowing that you are never truly alone and you will be found. When you feel used let your heart be mature enough to make the decision to guard but free enough to be used when necessary and not to say to its visitors “you owe me”; but to be thankful that you were chosen as the strong medium for someone who needed you.

Our family has had a mixed salad of joy and tears lately as success, death, growth, and sickness has entered its way in and out of our lives. It’s in times like these when  the call from a friend never came or the understanding of loved ones has not come through; and surprisingly nothing really changed. Our lives continued on as the ones who I wanted were seemingly replaced by the open hearts of the ones I needed. That’s life! You find sometimes disappointment allows you to see that some souls are merely company and other souls are the revolving hearts that roam the universe constantly sending out love and waiting to swing open like a saloon door; but never having a cover charge. I pray for the protection of hearts like these. We need them and I’m opening up more and more to the idea, and I hope you with too.

 

Always Loving you,

Mommy

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